Fun with resumes

I’ve spent the last couple of days reviewing resumes for the open position in my department. As usual, this makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Even at this level (we’re asking for a Ph.D. or Master’s degree), you get some really poor resumes, some of which are from total nutjobs. One actually had a “pull quote” on it that said that the applicant “not only thinks outside of the box, but doesn’t know what the box is”. I plan on writing the rejection letter myself: “Dear sir, Thank you for your application, but the ideal candidate for this job is one who can identify boxes by sight. Regards,”

Other resumes use such strong language and hyperbole that they go beyond self-promotion and flirt with absurdity. I kept imagining that they were written by Morbo, the bulb-headed alien overlord and host of the nightly news on Futurama. I think I have a picture here somehere. Ah, here we go:

And that got me to thinking… What if Morbo really were applying to this job? What would the cover letter look like?

Dear Manager of Puny Human Resources,

I am Morbo! My all-seeing eye perceived your job posting on the SIOP JobNet website, and I was intrigued. Morbo wishes to join your pathetic team of mewling People Research Advisors.

Prepare to receive my qualifications!

  • Introduced a cost-savings plan for nationwide distributors of component parts, resulting in 13% decrease in costs.
  • Obliterated the indigenous inhabitants of Omicron Pices II, preparing the way for intergalactic death squads
  • Organized, analyzed, and filed legal documents
  • Directed a number of strategical initiatives to enhance organizational performance
  • Razed the capitals of all free worlds in the Intergalactic Federation of Peaceful Planets (IFPP), casting their ashes to the solar winds and scouring their souls with my triumphant laughter

These and many other qualifications are Morbo’s to command. Fear me, wretched human insect! Together, we will destroy our enemies and realize synergistic improvements in organizational outcomes. SO SPEAKS MORBO!

References available upon request.

Respectfully,
Morbo

Shoot, I’d interview him. Wouldn’t you?

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