Shouldn’t two Half-Lifes make a whole life?

So Half-Life 2 came out yesterday. For those of you who are not PC gamers, all you need to know about this event is that the only thing that would have made it more momentous would have been if Jesus Himself had hand-delivered it to you, saying “Well, I was in town for my second coming anyway so I thought I’d just drop it off. Love you, see you later.”

I ran down to Fry’s over lunch and bought a retail copy. When I got home, Geralyn was feeding Sam dinner and we had this exchange:

“Look what I have. Half-Life 2!”

“Yay.”

“It’s so good, I’m going to put it down my pants. Mmmmmm!”

“No! Do not do that. That’s gross!”

“Oh, yeah. I’ve got Half-Life in my pants. Ooh. Yeah.”

“Jamie! Stop it! I mean it! Do not do that in front of your daughter!”

Sam, actually, seemed to think it was kind of funny. But Ger seemed pretty horrified, so I quit. (Apologies to Penny-Arcade for borrowing their joke.)

The game is also a big deal because it’s the first AAA game to also be released via a digital download/subscription system called “Steam.” So you can download the game through Steam, getting it directly onto your computer without ever having to face the horrors of the outside world. I considered doing this, because I hate salespeople, but I did some research and found that there’s no true “offline” mode for the game. Steam always phones home like a retarded E.T. to check that your account is in good standing. I decided that the price break ($5 cheaper for the Steam version) wasn’t enough and I didn’t like the idea of relying on the developers’ keeping the Steam servers up and active so I could play my game. Same for if my ‘net connection were to go down. Even if I misunderstood how it works, I didn’t want to risk it.

Well, turns out that even the retail version requires a Steam account and a nigh-nightmarish authentification process. Here’s how I went about installing Half-Life 2:

1. Insert Disk 1. A solid opening move.
2. I need to create a Steam account? Spend 10 minutes fumbling through this and reading mind-numbing EULAs.
3. Stare at screen for a couple of minutes while my new Steam account validates.
4. Now the game is ready to install. Okay! Go through the installation wizard, read another mind-numbing EULA.
5. Type in my CD-Key.
6. “The CD-Key you entered is not valid. Please try again.” Type it in again, getting it right this time.
7. Remove Disk 1, insert Disk 2.
8. Remove Disk 2, insert Disk 3.
9. Remove Disk 3, insert Disk 4.
10. Remove Disk 4, insert Disk 5. Yes, FIVE.
11. “The Steam servers are currently down, so we can’t complete your subscription. But we’ll let you play the game you just paid $55 for anyway.” How nice of them.
12. “Please wait while we ‘unlock’ the game you’ve just paid $55 for.” Stare at little progress bar for 25 minutes as it inches towards 100%.
13. Files unlocked! How nice of them. Click “Play Half-Life 2”
14. “Wrong disk in drive! Please insert Disk 1” The hell? I went through all that and I still have to have the disk in the drive? Remove Disk 5, reinsert Disk 1.
15. Click “Play Half-Life 2.”
16. Wait like 3 or 4 minutes for the game to load.
17. Hrm. It doesn’t seem to like my dual monitor setup. Not too unusual, so hit Alt-Tab to get back to the desktop and disable the second monitor.
18. Computer locks up hard. Punch the power button and reboot.
19. Disable second monitor after waiting for computer to reboot.
20. Steam opens and pops up an advertisement: “Attention Steam users! Half-Life 2 is now available! Click here to buy the game you just paid $55 for!” Dangit! Close the ad.
21. Click “Play Half-Life 2.”
22. Wait like 3 or 4 minutes for the game to load.
23. Click “Start New Game”
24. Wait another 3 or 4 minutes for new game to load.
25. Spend 20 minutes fiddling with video options to achieve zen-like balance between eye candy and framerate.
26. Finally play the mother clucking game.

With a simple 26-point installation like this, I just don’t understand why people prefer consoles where you can pop in the DVD and be playing within 60 seconds.

Of course, once I actually started to play the game all that was forgiven and forgotten. It’s that good.