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Week 242: Grandma September 17, 2008
As you may have noticed from the post last week, Geralyn's mother passed away. While Mandy was oblivious due to her tender age, we weren't quite sure how to approach this with regards to Samantha. Joan had been in the hospital since May and Sam knew something was up not only because we explained it to her but also because Geralyn was going to visit her mom almost every night. Along the way we had fallen into a policy of honest with Sam, partly out of thinking that it was the best policy and partly out of a fear that our lies would spin out of control until the point where Sam would be telling her preschool teachers that Grandma had been abducted by aliens while on the run from the ninja mafia.
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Sam seemed to take it okay, over all. When Geralyn got the dreaded phone call from the hospital Sam was actually the first other person to find out, by virtue of standing there asking if she could watch an episode of Bob the Builder while Ger gripped the phone and felt her stomach go cold. For the same reason Sam was also the first person to hug Geralyn and try to make her feel better. Probably by suggesting that they watch an episode of Bob the Builder.
I rushed home after hearing the news, and the first thing that Sam blurted out when she saw me was "Daddy, Grandma died." I had halway expected her to say this in the same tone that she uses for news items like "I saw a dog," or "I ate a hot dog for lunch," but she really was a bit more subdued than usual and she stared down into her lap after her announcement was over. Over the next few days leading up to the funeral we also noticed an uptick in aggressive behavior in Sam. She seemed more likely to slap at you if you didn't do what she wanted, and she seemed more ready to talk back and pick fights than normal. She also kept asking us if we'd love her forever (answer: yes, but you still have to put your shoes on before going outside), and seemed to want to make sure that we knew she'd love us even after we're dead (which made us wonder if she knew something we didn't). We gave her as much attention and affection as we could, but things were busy.
My mother and sister came in town for the funeral, though, and that helped immensely. We decided that we wanted the kids at the funeral mass, but Mandy came down with an ear infection and a 103.5 degree fever the morning of the event, so my Mom stayed home with her. I actually cut out early from post-funeral luncheon to pick up Mandy and take her directly to the doctor's where I was bemused to see that I, in my black suit and tie, was the best dressed parent in the waiting room.
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We decided to spare Sam the open casket viewing that Ger and I went to first thing in the morning, but her aunt Shawn brought her to the subsequent funeral mass when the lid was firmly and permanently shut. I'm not sure what my mom and sister said to Sam about how to behave before they left, but I wish I had gotten it on tape so I could replay it ever week because Sam was on the best behavior I've ever seen her at in her life. Normally during mass she's a squirming, noisy rascal, but she seemed to know that this was different and she was an angel. She sat and scribbled in her Wall-E coloring book (bought especially for the event), else she affectionately but quietly gave hugs and kisses on the elbows to me, Geralyn, and her grandpa. We'll all love her forever for that.
After the mass, a caravan of cars trundled across town to the cemetery. My sister drove Sam in her car, announcing that the line of cars with its motorcycle escorts was "Grandma's special parade" which Sam found somewhat awesome. Upon arriving at the grave site, Sam tip toed up to the gaping hole in the ground while the casket was still being unloaded from the hearse. I stood next to her and watched her as she knelt in the damp grass and peered down. "Daddy," she said, "that's a lot of dirt. Why did they dig a big hole?"
I squatted down next to her. "They're going to put Grandma's body in there, Sam. Then they're going to fill the hole with dirt."
This seemed to throw her off. Sam is nothing if not assertive and prone to argument when things don't go how she wants them to, so I waited for her to throw a fit and make demands to put things back the way that they had been so that she can visit her grandma again, get slipped covert treats from her again, sleep over at her house again, help her water her flowers again, go to the beach at The Farm with her again, and everything else that she loved to do with her.
Instead, Sam crouched there quietly at the lip of the grave for a moment longer until the pallbearers approached with the casket. "Oh," she said, then stood and went to go sit quietly next to her own mother.
I'm sad to see Sam have to say goodbye to her grandma, just as I was to have her miss out on better knowing my own dad when he passed away a couple years ago. But I'm glad Sam and Mandy had the time together with her that they did. They loved their grandma.
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Tags: Amanda, Parenting, Samantha
Comments
Posted by Patti on September 17, 2008 8:01 AM:
okay, crying.
Posted by Jamie on September 17, 2008 12:35 PM:
Sorry. :)
Posted by Ger on September 17, 2008 12:47 PM:
Me too (crying). But that's par for the course these days. : )
Posted by bethany actually on September 17, 2008 1:00 PM:
It sounds like you handled things just right with Sam. She wasn't totally freaked out by a sudden death, yet she knew something important was happening and that it made the adults sad, and her sad too, and she knew how to deal with it in her own way. You must be doing something right. :-)
My husband's father died very unexpectedly this past winter, and we had similar uncertainties about how to tell Annalie about it. In the end we were as honest as we could be without scaring her. We did take her to the open-casket funeral, explaining beforehand what she would see and answering her questions, and she handled it even better than we expected. I am continually amazed at how kids can meet and exceed our expectations when they are only given the chance.
My continued prayers and thoughts are with you.
Posted by Jody on September 18, 2008 10:22 AM:
I've been reading your blog for a few years-got the link from Todd's website (my husband is good friends with Todd- from Georgia). Anyhow, I wanted to let you know that this post was very touching. Crying here, too.
I lost my dad two years ago. Your post brought the very same behavior from my son- he was 7 when my dad died. His reaction to the death was surprising. I thought that I was going to have to console him, but he is the one who helped me probably more than any other adult during that hard time. He hugged me and suddenly turned into a little man before my eyes. Taking charge and taking care of me. It was a blessing from God. I will always remember his special kindness as a gift from God looking down on us from heaven with my dad by his side.
Your family will be in my prayers.
Posted by Michelle on September 19, 2008 2:49 PM:
Jamie and Geralyn-
My heart goes out to your family.
I met your mom a few times when she visited CA during the Maywood Ct days and she was always great to talk to. She amazed me with her gardening skills! I was very tempted to kidnap her and have her work her magic on our backyard jungle! :)
I am in tears with the way Sam handled everything. Great job, Sammie!!!!! Kids sure are perfect comforters when you need them to be!
Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you.
Your old neighbor,
Michelle
Posted by Casey on September 20, 2008 8:33 PM:
Geralyn -
I am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing. I remember how gracious and kind your mother was when I visited you out in St. Louis for your wedding. My own mother passed away a few months ago, and I know this must be a difficult time for you and your family. Please know that my thoughts are with you all. Nico still talks about his grandma almost every day. Don't be surprised if Sammy suddenly comes up with some interesting things to say about grandma in the near future. There will be many tears on your part, I am sure. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you want to talk (you too, Jamie!)
AOT,
Casey