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The ten dumbest things I did as a kid April 27, 2005
I'm not normally a big fan of blog memes, but I saw one on The Zero Boss (by way of Aurorealis.com) that I couldn't resist: "What are ten stupid things you did as a kid?" I'm sure my family will gleefully supply additional stories, but here's ten I actually remember doing:
#10 - Cannon Horse
My parents had bought me a plastic replica of Silver, the horse from The Lone Ranger. One day my mom came upon me sitting in my closet, where I had just cut off all of Silver's legs with a hacksaw. When asked WHY I had done such a thing, my only, placid response was "Cannon Horse."
#9 - Naughty Balloons
One day some of the older kids in my neighborhood were blowing up these oddly shaped, elongated balloons and laughing hysterically about it. I came over and they let me blow one up, too, which seemed to amuse them even more. Then, to their horror, I announced that I was going to go home to show my mom. When they all bolted after me, I assumed I was in for a random ass kicking (such things happened around these particular kids), so I ran for it and actually made it home with my new prize, which I showed to my mom. Yeah, except it turns out it wasn't a balloon. They had been blowing up condoms.
#8 - Hyperventilated on purpose
A group of friends and I thought it was a riot to do this trick: Take quick, short breaths for like 60 seconds, then hold your breath while two other people push on your chest until you pass out. Wake up on the floor and then it's the next guy's turn.
#7 - Worst Mother's Day gift EVER
One year I decided that I would get my mom flowers for Mother's Day. Being a kid, I didn't have money to buy flowers, so I set out to steal them from neighborhood flower beds. Except I couldn't work up the guts to perform this larceny and my mother was perplexed when I presented her with a bucket of dirt sprinkled with a few fist fulls of grass from our lawn.
#6 - "Your name here"
In school one day we were learning how to make little kites from construction paper, glue, and string. The teacher made her own to illustrate each step of the process, ending by writing the words "YOUR NAME" where we were supposed to put our names. Except I was feeling particularly literal that day, and actually wrote "YOUR NAME" on my kite before handing it in. I got a "F" on that one.
#5 - Setting hermit crabs to guard my wallet
Fearing that my nefarious sister would get my new wallet (vinyl, with a velcro seal and "Def Leppard" on the front!), I put it in my cage full of hermit crabs. My child's mind reasoned that nobody but their owner would be crazy enough to put their hand in a cage full of hermit crabs. My delusion skulked away an hour later when my sister found me in the den, waved my wallet at me, and wondered aloud what exactly it was doing in my hermit crab cage.
#4 - Discovering Oil
While exploring the grounds outside my aunt's house in Sulphur, Oklahoma, my cousin and I were excited to discover oil in the bottom of a pond back behind the house. Every time we hurled a rock into the pond, a thick, black liquid would fountain up and ripple across the surface. Turns out it was the septic tank.
#3 - NOT getting in a fight
One day in school this kid turned around and popped me in the nose for no reason --no reason at all. The kids around me started shouting at me to hit him back (aren't kids great?), and though I was never a big kid I probably could have given this particular guy a good beating. But I didn't, because I wanted to avoid trouble. When the teacher came over to investigate, though, he latched onto the conclusion that we were fighting and wouldn't let go, metting out ten days of detention for each of us. Thing is, the kid who had punched me moved out of town the next day, leaving me to serve my time alone. I should have at least gotten to bloody his nose.
#2 - You Can Call Me Flower
My young acting career pretty much started and ended with a grade-school enactment of Bambi. I was to play Flower, the skunk who befriends the titular deer. I had only ONE LINE: "My name is Flower." That was it. ONE LINE. But the day before opening night I happened to read a Bambi picture book where Flower's greeting to his new friend was "You can call me Flower if you like." The next day I told the teacher/director about the discrepancy, and she firmly told me that "NO, Jamie, your line is 'My name is Flower.' Say THAT, not what you read in the book.
Of course, I screwed up when my big moment came, blurting out BOTH lines in a blinding panic before bursting into tears and running off the stage.
#1 - Trash can bomb
The following is the dumbest thing I've done to date, and I swear I'm not making it up. Somehow I got hold of instructions on how to build a "bomb" out of a 2-liter soda bottle, baking soda, and vinegar. Oh, and little aluminum foil balls for shrapnel. One night while my parents were out (having erroneously thought I could take care of myself), I follwed the directions by filling the bottle with a few inches of vinegar and putting a layer of foil balls on top of that. I then went out to the driveway where I added a bunch of baking soda, put on the cap, shook it up, threw it, and dove for cover.
Nothing happened.
Disappointed, I picked up the inert bottle and threw it in the kitchen trash before flopping down on the couch to watch television. Like an hour later I got up and went to the kitchen to get a snack. Hearing a curious hissing sound coming out of the garbage can, I bent over the container to investigate. As you might have guessed by now, just as I lowered my face my inquiry was sundered by an explosion that sprayed my face with vinegar, aluminum foil, and various garbage. Despite the initial shock, the explosion wasn't that great, but it did freak me out and I had a hard time explaining the stains on the kitchen ceiling to my parents.
So, there you are. If you have a stupid kid story to share, please feel free to do so in the comments.
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Posted by Shawn on April 27, 2005 9:34 PM:
You forgot to add that with your trash can bomb you almost blew up the dog who happened to be laying near the trashcan when the explosion ocurred.
I also highly refute any accusation that I was trying to steal from you wallet. I probably would have only found a token from the video arcade anyway!
Posted by Frank on April 27, 2005 9:46 PM:
10. Age 7 -- Traded a cool toy machinegun with two bigger kids who offered me "super high-powered magnets." Turned out they were rubber 10-speed bicycle brakes.
9. Age 5 -- Left my Big Wheel parked across the street overnight. Somebody stole it.
8. Age 8 -- Was playing with a floating pool chlorinator and discovered that chlorine + water + time = a gaseous form of hydrochloric acid.
7. Age 11 -- fell off a sailboat in San Felipe, Mexico. Nearly drowned out of fear because someone had told me the harbor was full of sea snakes.
6. Age 19 -- received $6000 cash-money in an auto-accident settlement despite having no real reason to get the money. Blew it all in one summer on nothing in particular. Then again, I did learn to scuba dive.
5. Age 12 -- In science class, I thought I was holding a spoon when I playfully poked a pretty girl. But just moments before the incident, I put the spoon down and then failed to realize I was now holding a surgical-quality scalpel. So, in other words, I stabbed her. In the knee.
4. Age 10 -- Fell out of a football stadium. Still trying to figure that one out.
3. Age 12 -- Middle school wood shop. Fellow students told me the teacher would test the strength of our trivet projects by standing on them. I stood on mine to test it before turning it in for a grade. Crushed it. Got an F.
2. Age 7 -- Shot a kid with an arrow. Honest to god. A bow and freakin' arrow. Right in the leg.
1. Age 16 -- Two weeks after getting my driver's license, I lost control of a Datsun B210 and hit the HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET FROM MINE.
There. Now I feel better. Thank you, Jamie.
Posted by Jamie on April 27, 2005 9:58 PM:
Shawn: Admit it, you always coveted my wicked Def Lepard wallet.
Frank: Wow, nice! I've heard of boys' pulling girls' pigtails when they like them, but never stabbing them.
Posted by Shawn on April 28, 2005 4:56 PM:
I believe you forgot a couple of memorable incidents from your childhood.
The first is when you decided the lack of a diving board on our pool was a problem and decided to remedy the situation. Dad looked out the window just in time to see you come flying off the roof into the pool. The bad news is the shallow end was closest to the house.
The other incident happened when they were building some new homes near ours. You and Claire Parmalee decided it would be a good idea to take baseball bats and tear out all of the insulation which had just been installed. Dad opened the door to a very angry builder and had to write a hefty check.
Posted by Jamie on April 28, 2005 8:27 PM:
Would you believe that both of those incidents were part of an earlier draft of my list? :)
In fact, the hard part was limiting it to ten. I could have done TWENTY. In addition to those ten and the two you just mentioned, there was:
The time I missed the school bus because I kicked cat poop into my own face.
The time I tried to build a phone out of melted candle wax and ...a freshly smashed phone.
The many times I scaled the top of the Lutherin church down the road from our house.
The time I tied our dog Piper up in a net and then hung her from a tree in the back yard.
The time I nearly got pumbled by these guys at a local apartment complex because they thought I was stealing their clothes from the laundromat (actually, I wasn't really at fault there).
Throwing Bang Snaps (little bits of fireworks wrapped in tissue paper that exploded when they made contact with a hard surface). At passing cars. The barely getting away from the guy who thought I had been throwing rocks at his car.
Setting part of Dad's bathroom curtain on fire. Just part, though.
Creating a whirling ball of fire with a dog leash, some steel wool, and a lighter.
Breaking into the neighbor's house while she was on vacation.
Eating a Milk Bone dog biscuit just to see how it tasted.
Posted by shawn on April 29, 2005 4:51 AM:
Holy Cow! What a little hooligan/criminal you were. No wonder Piper skulked away whenever you were aroud!
Don't forget lassoing the ceiling fan in the den leaving it with only 2 blades and spray painting your initials on the side of our brick house.
Wow! I was a goodie two shoes.
Lets hope the Karma bus does not come around to hit you with your offspring.
Posted by Caity on July 16, 2005 9:51 PM:
Heh! Kicking cat poop in your own face? Now THERE'S a keeper. However, here's a couple of mine, if anybody reads it.
-Lit the back of the garage on fire to see what would happen. My mommy walked by. And didn't notice. Just went straight into the house.
-Put grass and weeds into my dogs' water dish to make a magic potion. The dog wasn't too happy.
-Wanted a pocket-watch like old men do, so I took my watch and chopped off the straps. Didn't like the end product, so I threw the whole thing out.
Of course, none of that compares to stabbing girls in the knee. ^_^